Church Abuse

Ten Traits of a Truth Teller  by Angela J. Kaufman

Identifying warning signs: 
First, spiritual abusers typically have some type of control problem.  They make their life and family life seem perfect.  Second, their spouses often help perpetrate the lies or the crimes of untruths.  Third, they play the role of the victim. They state that certain persons or people in the church have it in for them or they are against them in some fashion. Fourth, they are masters at twisting scripture for their own benefit. I’ve heard some people call this “ scripture spam ”. A particular pastor, for example, would take paragraphs out of context and preach an entire message on that premise.  Fifth, they don’t keep their promises even if they say they’ll take care of it. Sixth, in one case, there were three to four sermons on giving every month. Seventh, they would hang onto successful people or those they thought had money.  Then they would use them as examples for others to give more.

“People who ‘ survive’ spiritual abuse often wander in a kind of limbo; they are confused, hurt and angry.  Some victims of pastoral abuse blame themselves for their suffering, thinking that they must have deserved it.  Others indulge in self-hate for foolishly submitting themselves and their families to such humiliation.  Others focus their hatred on the abuser.”

One Christian columnist put it well.  “If the world was ordered for truth, then lies are its destroyer. Every time you or I justify a lie, we debase the God-ordained order for life.  And as truth is soiled, trust is diminished.”  In the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Johnson and VanVonderen give two options.  We will either stay and fight or take flight.  I would add that some people freeze with inaction.

Individuals who stay in their church  instead of leaving the problems and conflicts, have personalities and qualities about them that keep them loyal, determined, faithful, and ever-enduring in spite of unsatisfactory circumstances.  They may be perceived as tough, bull-headed, stubborn, unmovable and unchangeable by staying with a ship even as it is sinking.

From the book, The Contentious Community, by John M. Miller, he states that we have a fantasy outlook on the church. “ The fantasy is that the church of Jesus Christ should be a company of people among whom there are no divisions, no disagreements; only harmony and love.  What we understand so rarely is that the church can have both harmony and love while at the same time having divisions and disagreements.  Disagreement does not necessitate disharmony. Division need not spawn hatred. Contention can exist within community."
Well, okay.
The blunt questions, however, are these: When is it okay to stay?  When is it time to leave?
Staying or leaving. When we are caught up in this predicament with the church, Johnson and VanVonderen offer questions that may help us calculate and discern the outcome.
Question #1: “Does grace really have a chance?” One key to staying is if the leadership exhibits grace, even if the sheep do not. Usually sheep will follow that type of shepherd. A second key is if leadership is only into power. When that is the case, the chances for grace are greatly reduced. “Once again, sheep follow shepherds.  And those who do not leave will tend to become entrenched in domination and legalism, whatever form those take.  If this is the case, you should probably leave.” The power trip is the sign that it is time to go.
 Question #2: “Are you supporting what you hate?” Are you enabling the behavior by giving your time and money? If you remain in this ministry, you may be empowering pain and lies.
Question #3: “Do you need to be right?” You may struggle with asking why the ones who are right have to leave? Often, we find that the messengers of truth were either run out of the church or left on their own due to lack of progress. You may have found yourself in this place. Yes, it is a lonely place, but it does not change the purpose God has for your life.  God is always ‘up to something’ in our spiritual journeys. Are we willing to seek the next step on this path of trust and truth? 
Questions #4: “Can you stay, and stay healthy, both at the same time?”  It is probably not worth it to risk your spiritual, physical, mental, emotional and psychological health.   If you stay, would you also be modeling unhealthy behaviors to your family? Human nature is to start behaving like those around us.  Do you have enough of a support net in place to help keep you healthy if you stay?
At the same time, an even more critical question to consider is next.
Question #5: “Can you decide your own limits – and stick with them?” Make a plan.  How long can you endure without seeing healthy results? Then keep accountable to others about the limit you set. Notice we need to be surrounded by healthy people to keep us on track.  We often forget we need this exactly when we are in the middle of struggles, not just after the fact when we need support for healing.
Question #6: “Do you believe God cares more about the church than you do?”  Is God capable of correcting the injustice and lies? Or is our pride blinding us to the reality of our abilities to change and control outcomes?
Question #7: “Is it possible the system might need to die?” “Leaving does not kill a dead system, it just makes it look as dead as it is.” When people leave, it is showing themselves, the congregation, and the world that this is Truth. The remnants of dust tell the story of a lifeless place.
All of those questions will take time and thought about how you proceed in your choice to leave or stay. Sometimes you will find leaving is your personal answer. At the same time, do not be dismayed if you choose to stay.

And finally, let’s acknowledge the pain of this struggle. Here is how Flora Slosson Wuellner in her book, Release, Healing From Wounds of Family, Church, and Community, acknowledges the journey for Christians.
                “We long to be part of a miracle of transformation.   We long to be loyal, to be part of the healing of others.  We feel defeated, guilty, ashamed that we have not been able to bring wholeness to our relationship or community.”

On the other hand, she sees a gift given to us through this struggle. “The released, healed person also sees the empowered, gifted potential of such a group – if it were healed.” Imagine that. The very struggle we want to avoid will give us the gift of discernment.  That is exactly the profound need we want to acquire in order to navigate through these spiritual waters of truth and lies.